PHOTOS

TRIP STATS

September and October 2015 were spent mostly on the Pacific Coast of Mexico in a small town where I attempted to spend time reconnecting with my heart through a 10 Day Silent Meditation, a 20 Day Hridaya Yoga Module 1 course, and a 14 Day Solitary Dark Room Retreat.

VIDEO SUMMARY – Beautiful Faces of Hridaya

PHOTO SUMMARY

DARK ROOM DIARIES

A written account of my experience in the dark room

RESEARCH

Fasting is an ancient practice that has always fascinated me. I have experimented with many different fasts in my life. Everything from 3 months without alcohol, 2 months without meat, 6 months without coffee, 3 days without food, 1 month without releasing the sexual energy, and the list goes on. With all the benefits I received from these practices, when I heard about entering a dark room (aka light fast), my ears immediately perked up like an intrigued puppy meeting a new friend.

The desire was a natural one, however, the WHY question still remained. What would be one’s intention in entering a dark room for extended periods of time? So to learn more before setting my intention I looked to the literature and history of this fascinating practice. The information online seemed sparse, but with some creativity I was able to learn about how different cultures and spiritual practitioners have often used the dark in their search for truth.

My research first led me to ancient India, where the practice of Kaya Kalpa was established. Aging yogis in India used extended retreats in the dark, traditionally periods above 49 days, for bodily rejuvenation. Of the many longevity practices, many reported their time in the dark as the most important factor in their ability to extend their lifespan. Imagine having an arsenal of 100’s of practices including yoga, fasting, deep meditation, pranayama, etc, and now performing all those practices in the dark, thus being able to keep all the bodily energies inside us. I like to think of it as the Rolls Royce of Kaya Kalpas and longevity exercises.

When we look to Tibet and the monks living in the caves for extended periods of time (often over 90 days) we see a similar story. Developing an ability to draw all the worldly energies inward and to reconnect with the astral plane on a deeper level was established through solitary cave retreats in the dark.

In Egypt there has been much speculation that many of the catacombs in the pyramids were used as dark rooms, potentially dating this practice back over 5,000 years.

The Kogi people of the Sierra Nevada in eastern Colombia have used the dark to raise their spiritual leaders and shamans known to them as Mamas. If a newborn baby was deemed suitable to be a Mama at birth they would be placed in the dark for the first 9 years of their lives and often the time was extended to 18 years. Only being in contact with their mother and caregivers and occasionally coming out on low moon evenings. This time in the dark allowed the future mama to be in touch with the energetic and causal plane allowing them to develop a profound sense of experiential non-duality.

Recently, in modern times, we have a new way we experience the dark, but I regret to inform you that you must kill someone to experience it, in the form of solitary confinement. Prisoners are often placed in a dark room for days or weeks on end and repeatedly report accounts of their visions of bright and lucid colors commonly known as “Prisoners cinema” as well as the intense inner chaos followed by deep quieting of the mind known as the mini-death.

With this research in mind, I began to look into the science of the dark. I became more and more interested in understanding how the mind and body react to the lack of light for extended periods of time. My research led me into the fascinating world of the pineal gland, the almond shaped gland, the size of a grain of rice, in our brain, which all humans, and animals and even many plants possess.

Every evening since the beginning of human existence, each and every day was experienced through a very predictable solar cycle. Every evening when the sun lowers past the horizon, the pineal gland begins to produce melatonin to assist the body in going to sleep. Equally important, every morning, with the rising of the sun, the pineal gland would stop the release of melatonin. This has been unchanged and experienced by all humans up until the introduction of the light bulb and airplane travel in the recent decades. With the artificial light and jet setting that now predominating our lives, the pineal gland often struggles to know when to begin and finish producing melatonin each evening, creating many sleep disorders which are often resolved with the prescription of large doses of melatonin.

In the dark room, the pineal gland no longer knows when to turn off the release of melatonin and the melatonin accumulates each day. Now, the question you are likely asking is how would that excess melatonin affect us? Well, excess melatonin has often been used to treat Narcolepsy, with patients reporting lucid dreams and vivid REM cycles of increased duration. Furthermore, after the melatonin reaches a certain amount, the pineal gland also begins to release other spirit molecules which I will briefly discuss.

Mantak Chia, the Taoist master, currently based in Changmai, Thailand, has created an interesting progression on the release of spirit molecules from the pineal gland. His research shows the following release of molecules when people spend time in the dark:

Day 1-3: Melatonin is released, creating deep sleep where one makes up for all the lost sleep they have suffered in their lives. The eyes fully recuperate during this time.

Day 3-5: Pinoline is released, which in “normal” life circumstances is only released in very particular times in life such as when we are in the womb, in lucid dreams, and during near death experiences.

Day 6-8: 5meoDMT, the psychoactive tryptamine, is released creating a highly luminescent and phosphorescent light that is visible with the mind’s eye. During this time a great deal of energy becomes available to us as the body no longer needs much sleep.

Day 9-12: DMT is released, the same active compound found in the majority of the spiritual plants on the planet, including the ayahuasca caapi vine. DMT is considered a Class A drug in North America and most of the world due to its hallucinogenic properties but has been used in the Andes as a medicine for at least over 3000 years. At this stage, one is often able to see in infrared and ultraviolet. Once the level reaches 25mg visions and colors often begin, commonly associated with imbalances in the body energies. One may perceive these imbalances as dull colors as the brain tunes into the different chemicals in the body.

INTENTION

So with all this information, I felt prepared to set my intention and enter the dark room on my own with a plan to enter for 10-17 days depending on how I felt and how long I wished to stay. My intention, at its purest level, remained LOVE. I simply wanted to dig deeper into the feeling of love resonating in my heart and overcome any blockages that may be preventing me from completely living from my sacred heart.

My additional interests were to observe firsthand the effects of increased melatonin and DMT on the body, gain further insight into this ancient practice hoping to connect with my ancestors, becoming more aware of “who I am” in the dream state, and lastly, to rest my mind and body from the ongoing bombardment of external stimulus we face in our daily lives.

MATERIALS NEEDED

In order to partake in a dark room experience one needs the following items:

A room with both an air intake and extractor as well as a toilet, sink and place to sit and lie down.
A caregiver to provide 1-2 daily meals/juices through a light sealed hatch
Water and toiletries
A test subject willing to enter a room of COMPLETE darkness.

ECOLOGY

Another aspect that was interesting me was our view of Ecology. As we all know, ecology comes from Ecos (our home) and logos (to study). Meaning, the study of our home, which for us, is our planet. Often, this study seems to have been limited to what we have been able to see. However, if we look deeper, we begin to see that reality really consists of at least three different states. The gross plane (what we can see and touch), the subtle plane (thoughts, emotions, energies), and the causal plane (the cosmos), all exist as a concentric circle inside one another.

In the West, we seem to have developed an intense phobia to the dark, often saying that anything in the dark must be brought into the light, such as our view of the Dark Ages. Darkness seems to have been solely associated with fears, phobias, shadows and dangers. However, ancient cultures with the clearest ecological understanding all seem to have embraced the dark as part of the non-dualistic approach to the world. Through this study of dark ecology I became more and more interested in understanding the dark, not as a place of fear, but rather as part of the causal plane we all live in. The more one thinks about it, the more it becomes clear that everything is born from the darkness. Darkness is our true home in the universe at the deepest ecological sense of the word.

So with all this information in mind, I simply let go of any expectations, did my best to become open to surrendering in the dark, and I prepared to turn off the light.

DAY 1: SUNSET

The day is coming to an end. I have spent the last month in a 10-day silent meditation followed by a 20-day intensive yoga course here on the Pacific Coast in South West, Mexico. I do my best to ensure that all my plans have been arranged before I enter the dark room. Slightly frantically I go through my mental checklist.

email parents, tell them I’m going offline for 2 weeks
find a caring soul to bring me food
buy toothpaste and make sure I have enough toilet paper and potable water

I am so blessed to have so many people here excited for this inner journey I am going to embark on. I receive heartfelt hugs, words of encouragement, and of course the occasional…14 DAYSSSSS!!! You’re NUTS DUDE! Usually, I agree, I am nuts, and I often feel a desire to push my mind and body past their comfort zones, but this decision to enter the dark is coming from a different place. The ego is not the decision maker here. It feels like the path that I am meant to walk at this stage in my life journey. Whether this experience will be another small step or a giant leap no longer matters, all paths lead nowhere, but this one seems to have a heart, so I will take it and see where it goes.

I say my last goodbyes and I find a quiet place watch the sunset atop the mountain. I have seen many sunsets in my life, but this one feels different. It is as though I am saying goodbye to my lover, thanking her for everything, and ensuring her that I will see her again (In truth, asking her to promise she will find me again). She comforts me and tells me she will wait for me. I set my intention and I sit on the mountain top smiling until the last ray of sun drops below the horizon. It is time. I feel at peace. The nervousness is gone and there is no longer any decision to be made. It is time to let go.

I enter the room, which is slightly below ground and designed based on a Tibetan cave. I walk in using the ladder and then remove the ladder from the doorway and taking a deep breath. I look around the room one last time. I feel like I am about to go free diving in the ocean. I focus on my breath until I feel ready to enter the deep water. With one deep inhalation I close the door. I stand there in the dark, not moving, holding my breath for over 1 minute. I exhale deeply. I have arrived.

My first meditation goes well, however, the unlinked thought chains rapidly storm in. But this is nothing new to met. I am well versed in the ignorance of my mind. I know at my deepest core that I am not my thoughts, but regardless, it is often forgotten when our thoughts lead us to misery.

I brush my teeth, which in itself takes quite a bit of effort in the dark, and I decide to take off all my clothes and choose to embark on this journey naked and exposed to any mosquito’s, scorpions or spiders that may find me.

I go to sleep on my yoga mat on the floor and I try to encapsulate my lesson for the day. As an aged teacher I take a moment to reflect on what I have learned today. Today’s lesson is quite simple. For the upcoming 2 weeks I have what seem to be only four choices:

THINK / DON’T THINK / MOVE / DON’T MOVE

And with a quiet mind, I drift into sleep.

DAY 2: ORGANIZATION

I quietly wake from a long, deep sleep and I attempt to write down some of my dreams. Writing in the dark is quite a challenge and many times I forget to turn the page after writing an entry and write on top of different notes creating an illegible scramble of hieroglyphics.

I begin to feel restless. I don’t know what time it is but presume it must be 5-8am.

I am too tired and disoriented to leave the bed as I have been suffering from a fever for the past few days, so I choose to lie in bed until breakfast arrives.

Eventually, after an hour, I hear the joyous knock of breakfast. I cannot describe the pleasure this knocking sound provided me during my time in the dark. My only contact with the outside world, it serves as a reminder that I am not forgotten and that I am being cared for. Most importantly, it meant I can eat!

Breakfast is always the same for the 2 weeks. Consisting of a delicious mix of banana, papaya, watermelon, chia, ground flax, papaya seeds and vegan milk (banana, oats, water)

However, the food does not cure my restlessness and exhaustion. Too tired to meditate or practice yoga, I decide to “organize” the room, to acclimatize and become familiar with the space. I spend what feels like hours folding my towel, making my bed, and walking around the room feeling every little crack in the wall.

Eventually dinner comes, I devour it like a starving scavenger. Eating without awareness and immediately after the last bite I lie back on to the floor to sleep. The body is only asking my mind for one thing: REST!

DAY 3: DISSOLUTION OF THE EGO

As I lie in bed, waiting for breakfast, I feel sure it is past breakfast time, which I presume to be 7am-9am. I wait and wait, but no food ever comes. However, the thought that they forgot about me does not enter my mind, so my conclusion is that I did not sleep as much as I thought and that it is still the middle of the night.

I spend all day convinced it is not yet morning until finally after 5-6 hours I finally accept that my meal was forgotten.

Once I accept that today will be a fasting day I build the strength to consciously begin working with the thought patterns of my mind. I am struck by a deep realization that all my thoughts by their very nature are egoic constructions of my persona. I am overcome with an organic inclination to take further steps in the lifelong challenge of disassociating from them.

I envision a 70 meter red rock climbing rope inside my mind full of knots and tangles. Often I feel so overcome by the seemingly endless knots, I simply distract myself from the reality. But here I have the time to slowly, and lovingly, begin to caress this entangled rope and one by one, untie the knots. I am well aware that the knots will continue to come back, it is the reality for most of us, if you use the rope, as we use the mind, the knots are inevitable, but I feel I finally possess the patience to spend each day creating knots and also, taking the time to untangle them.

I mainly work through seemingly trivial thoughts throughout the day, smaller knots, but there is newfound joy in the task. Like an peaceful old lady, knitting in her rocking hair. Nowhere to go, nowhere to be, simply playing with the string of the mind until I feel tired and lay down to sleep.

This calmness, seemed to pervade my dreams that evening as I felt a greater sense of control in my dream state. I had a control over my choices in my dream on where to go and what to do and not to do. Once I realized I was dreaming, I lay there, not sure if I was asleep or aware, simply content in the moment. Fully rested, in harmony with the moment, and feeling at ease.

DAY 4: RAIN

I awake with excess physical energy for the first time since closing the door and entering the dark room over 60 hours ago. I complete my first yoga session to the point where I am sweating and fully charged.

I hesitantly decide it is time to take my first shower as I begin to notice how bad I am beginning to smell. Being in the dark encourages the shutting down of the thalamus gland, which controls the senses. However, the olfactory (smell) senses becomes heightened in the dark. The moist air, the water in the toilet, and my increasingly stale smelling armpits all overwhelming my nostrils.

The bucket shower is energizing. I squat naked above the drain and pour buckets of cold water over my head, grunting like a warrior as if withstanding a cold water bath was a sign of strength and masculine power.

At some point during my mediations, faint lights begin forming around me. I can only describe them as blurry circles, growing and shrinking, coming at a rhythm similar to waves in the ocean.

Eventually it begins to rain, I can slightly hear the raindrops outside and I can hear the thunder erupting over me. I feel a sense that water is entering the room so I walk around the room to notice I am right. The air conditioner is leaking and all my clothes are wet on the ground. It looks like I have no choice now other than to remain naked for the remainder of my time here.

I later find out, when I came out of the dark room that one of the most powerful hurricanes ever recorded was building off the coast of Mexico that night, and luckily, having hit land prematurely it dissipated into moderate storms. I place a bucket under the dripping air conditioner and allow the dripping sound to sooth me to sleep.

DAY 5 : EXPECTATIONS

I wake after suffering from my only nightmare during my time in the dark. A small white dog morphed into a skunk and attacked my neck in my dream. I awoke by banging my pillow against the floor three times followed by a deep laugh at what I must have looked like if someone were to be recording me with an infrared light!

This is the toughest day so far, not for any biochemical reasons, or deep fears I am resolving, but simply because my two daily meals never came. I spend most of the day lost in my hunger as I practiced intense yoga in the morning presuming food would arrive and feeling exhausted all day due to the caloric deficit. I can sense my body losing muscle and shedding weight as I feel my bones protruding from my skin.

However, every experience can be morphed into a positive lesson, and I use this day of fasting to help cure myself of the expectations I often live with hoping for some future event to cure my current state of unease. I am greatly attached to satisfying my food cravings and I begin to let go and to accept that if no food comes I will not die. As the day progresses, I learn to adapt and even thrive in this ketogenic state.

Today, my two amygdala glands seem to have been activated, as I feel a light coming from behind me, over my temporal lobes (ears) beginning to form. I repeatedly turn my head throughout the day hoping to catch the source of light, similar to a dog chasing their tail, until finally accepting that the light is in fact coming from inside me.

The notion that we are in the most literal sense of the word “light” is beginning to take on an entirely new meaning. I go to sleep with the warmth of my mind’s candlelight resting behind me. Like being at a cottage on a cool fall evening. I have never slept as deeply as I did that night.

DAY 6: LIVING FROM THE HEART

This morning I awake earlier than usual. No matter how hard I try to sleep, my body’s message is simple. You are fully rested and you no longer need sleep! From this day forward I only experience 1-2 REM cycles per night. My sleep lasting from 2-3 hours from after dinner to what feels like must be 1-2am.

By this point I have had enough time to quiet the mind and I am increasingly impressed with my mind’s ability to concentrate for long periods of time. It is as though I am able to recall almost any memory from my past 31 holidays around the sun.

With this clarity of mind and sense of calmness, I begin what ends up being the most powerful meditation of my time in the dark. As I always begin my meditations here, I start by focusing on the pauses between my breath, saying hello to my heart, and asking myself the rhetorical and timeless question, “Who Am I?”

However, shortly thereafter, this meditation begins with a vision of a kitten in my lap. Perhaps I am in need of some company, or simply feeling calm like a sleeping cat, but regardless of why, the reality is that I spent what felt like 15 minutes simply caressing this kitten in my mind and looking deeply at its beauty and purity. Feeling nothing but radiating love and acceptance. This focus on the kitten quickly allows me to tune into my heart chakra (anahata chakra) and notice the vibrations coming from my chest.

With this sense of love and compassion resonating through me, my mind wanders to all the different forms of love it can feel. In Sanskrit, there are over 80 words for love, in Greek there at 9, and in English only one. My intention here is to explore as many types of love as possible. I spend the next 2-3 hours holding that feeling of love in my chest and gently allowing my mind and heart to work together to concentrate on all the people I have loved in my life, all the people I thought I didn’t love, the beauty of nature, ancestors I have never met, teachers I only know through writings, countries, cultures, plants and on and on.

The stillness of my body is so powerful that for the first time in all my meditations there is no desire to move. Other than very gentle straightening of the spine I sit, unmoved for hours on end dissolving all that the mind wants to think about into the heart.

I access some of the deepest memories of my childhood in this sitting and feel like I am rifting through a filing cabinet of my life, picking out files of thoughts to read and photos to observe.

Suddenly, as my brain quiets down completely I begin to cry. Initially for the love I feel that I cannot contain, but ultimately it feels like forgiveness. It is impossible to accurately describe in a linear fashion with words, but it feels as though I am being forgiven for all the mistakes I have made in my life and being forgiven for all the future plans and mistakes I might make. It is a timeless sense of deep forgiveness. It is difficult to determine who is offering the forgiveness and who is being forgiven, it can only be described accurately on a physical level, as the release of all tension in the body.

As I eat dinner with my hands, sitting naked on the floor, chewing each bite over 50 times I look up and se the wall of the room opening into what seems to be a window. I am looking out of a window at stars and trees. I am home.

DAY 7: CRY FOR GOD

I wake with low energy and a feeling of inertia. Perhaps I pushed to hard in yesterday’s yoga; perhaps it was the effects of the deep meditations I have been experiencing.

I begin to go down a dangerous road of being stuck in thought and future planning. I have a desire to break out of here. Once I am able to compose myself I ask myself 2 two simple questions. If I could leave this room today where would I go? What do I miss? The only answer I can come up with was that I wanted Wi-fi to see if I received a job offer from my recent interview, and I wanted a pizza with cheese and anchovies. I determine these are not sufficient reasons to leave and I try to calm down and stop sweating and hyperventilating. I am left trying to determine what came first; did my uneasy thoughts create the anxiety in my body? Or did the anxiety in my body create my uneasy thoughts?

In the past, anytime I felt this unease, which I felt and continue to feel daily, I have always run to some form of distraction. Whether it is drugs, alcohol, sex, masturbation, overeating, exercise, sleep, TV, a book, conversation. All seem to offer the same medicine, a distraction from my mind. Here there is nowhere to run. This in itself is one of the greatest gifts of the dark. There is nowhere to go, not even sleep. There are only two choices: Think through whatever is bothering you or focus on the breath and try to forget about it, and often both happen in an ongoing sequence.

I sit on the floor rocking back and forth and again begin to cry, almost for no reason at first. It feels almost like a game, something to do to cure the boredom. I force out the tears allowing the sadness to build and build until it erupts out of me.

Until it hit me, the tears and mucus flowing out of me are given a focus. I begin to feel how much love I have in my life. How full I am of love and how much time I have spent concentrating on what I am lacking and my plans to solve all my perceived inadequacies. It is the therapy to end all therapies. I spend hours crying and saying sorry to my heart. Sorry for not seeing you, sorry for not hearing you, sorry for not allowing you to guide me. It is a purification that leaves me drained beyond belief.

I sleep deeply and in my dream I briefly see the statue of the sleeping Buddha resting beside me. Perhaps, for just the briefest moment, we were one in the same. Both sleeping, both in harmony, both radiating peace.

DAY 8: ANIMAL IN A CAGE

The long days are becoming more and more difficult. 20-22 hours a day caressing the mind is a new experience for me, which I am slowly learning to cope with. As the day progresses I begin to sense the candlelight that has been resting in my temporal lobes for the past few days moving towards the front of my forehead.

There is a clear light resting in front of me. I spend hours putting my hands in front of my eyes, opening my eyes, closing my eyes, trying to focus on it, but the harder I focus the harder it is to see. It is a blurry light, but as a stop focusing on it, it remains there, slightly illuminating the room. Often, I close my eyes forcefully and dissolve the light into 100’s of butterfly shapes that spread out around the room, similar to stars one sees when dizzy.

The visions begin to manifest as the room often morphs into a cave or having stonewalls, or bricks, or wood planks. Again the sense of being in a cabin with a window looking out at the stars remains strong. Perhaps it was my mind’s way of making me feel at home in the darkness.

I try to empathize with all the prisoners who have been placed in solitary confinement. As I think of them, I feel like a rabid dog in a cage. My facial expressions change, I walk hunched over, and sometimes even growl. I briefly take on the role of a locked up lunatic and play out the fantasy in my mind.

I am having difficulty finishing my meals. My stomach is shrinking and I am losing my appetite. I force-feed myself dinner this night.

DAY 9: SINGING

Today my energy is so high that I cannot sit still. After hours of yoga and meditation I am still left feeling like I could enter a triathlon. To calm the mind, I break my silence and I begin to sing. Songs like Hey Jude, Nino Salvaje, Over the Rainbow, Don’t Worry-Be Happy, Twinkle Twinkle, The Friends Theme Song, and Champagne Supernova flood my mind. (Sorry for my poor musical taste)

I drum on my knees, and even stand and engage in what must be known formally as cosmic dancing, offering my dance movements to the divine. I am embarrassed to say it, but I even grab a pillow and seduce my pillow with Salsa and Bachata dancing, offering the pillow all of my love and even kissing it every once in a while.

DAY 10: DEADLY SINS

Today, the clear light is no longer a blur. It is now a fixed light, perceived as a star, similar to the North Star, always with me. I spend time staring at this light attempting to interpret any message it may have for me, at times hoping it will absorb me into it. The absorption I imagine death to be.

At one point in the morning, I begin having quite melodramatic thoughts of envy towards different people in my life. Once I catch myself, I stop to think of how this chain of thoughts began and how it keeps repeating itself. I decide to spend the entire morning digging through my filing cabinet searching for all the times I have felt envious or jealous in my life, absorbing each event into the heart.

After a few hours of this practice, I am left with no thoughts. It is a state of stillness and silence that is surely a prelude to Samadhi (bliss). I am totally absorbed on the sound of my breath. It is so beautiful and I feel so much joy simply to be able to listen to my inhalation and exhalation. Pure existence, pure awareness, pure bliss.

DAY 11: DEATH

I recently was introduced to the beautiful ancient Greek expression often used to say goodbye, “Memento Mori” (Remember Death). As I consider my fears, I realize that I seem to not have many fears to work through other than the great fear of death we all face as a species. I spend today’s meditation remembering all the people who have died in my life. Particularly, I think about my grandparents, relatives, friends, and strangers.

However, the even more powerful dissolution comes when I go through as many people as I can in my life who are still alive and I say goodbye to them. I visualize their death and I attempt to let go, completely, my attachment to them. Telling them it is ok to die. We are ready.

The final challenge is to visualize my death and completely let go and surrender to leaving behind my earthly body. I use the clear light, my North Star, and I practice the art of dying. No regrets, no future plans, nothing left undone.

The visions today come in storms of blue, yellow, and red hues across the room. The literature I have since read argues that these colorful visualizations are chemical imbalances in the body. They come and go in waves and cause severe disorientation when I see them while walking or practicing yoga. I fall over many times and bump my head on the bed causing what surely felt like a black eye.

DAY 12: LIFE CHAPTERS

How we deal with the beginning and the end of every chapter in our life is the concept that organically comes up in my mind today. Often in my life, with all my travel and change, I view every experience as part of a chapter. Vacations, jobs, relationships, and death, all become the beginning or the end of a phase of my life.

Today I question the significance of this way of viewing time. I attempt to break down the barrier between good and bad. I feel a deep sense of needing to change this view of time, where we spend many days killing time, waiting for the next exciting project we have planned to begin and praying for our current state to be over.

After spending the day breaking down the boundaries of good and bad I feel humble as I sit in a thoughtless and emotionless state. The room becomes eerily quiet. I lay in silence throughout the night, the body not needing sleep. Just being.

DAY 13: BREATH

This silence carries through to today. My mind does not wish to wander to any thoughts or emotions and seems perfectly content focusing on the breath. I spend the majority on the day lying on my back listening to my breath with my hands on my stomach feeling my abdomen rise and fall.

I feel excitement, as today is my last day in the room, but also attempt to practice the lessons of yesterday and not countdown the hours until I get to open the door, but rather choose to simply continue observing the breath.

Today remains a day of no thoughts, I begin to feel slightly scared. I almost miss the madness of my mind if that makes any sense. It’s as though my ego was taking a long nap and I sort of felt a slight longing for it. Surely this is the next lesson to be learned in my journey in the dark, but for today there seem no lessons other than listening to the breath. Not really asleep, not really awake, just here.

Day 14: SUNRISE AND REBIRTH

At 6am I complete my final meditation and gentle yoga routine. I do a standing meditation with my hands in prayer pose thanking the room and my inner heart for all the time we have just spent together.

With much hesitation, I slowly unlock the door and open it up. It is still dark outside, and the sounds of the crickets along with the feeling of the wind give me goose bumps. My balance is poor and I trip over my feet as I try to remember how to walk. I find a hammock close by and I sit and watch the stars and they shift across the morning sky.

After 1 hour, (as I was unaware of the time change and I actually came out at 5am), the sky began turning blue and the clouds begin to take on detailed shape and structure. I sit in silence embracing the warmth of colors penetrating the sky. There are no tears, no deep emotions, simply connection to my breath and a gentle embrace with the sun. As I wink at the sun and blow it a gentle kiss, I close my eyes and rest.

Has this journey been simply another step in the right direction, or a dramatic 180-degree shift on my spiritual path? Only time will tell.

For now, everything is exactly as it needs to be. Harmony has been restored in the body, the challenge now being to continue work at maintaining this harmony in all that I do.

Remember Death, Love Life,

Roberto Signoroni

October 2015